


Cold and Broken Hallelujah

by J_Nerd



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, emotional struggle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 08:01:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8570713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Nerd/pseuds/J_Nerd
Summary: "I’m scared, Erin,” the blonde hissed through clenched teeth, still not looking at the other woman, knowing when she did she’d find the same pain mirrored in her eyes. -An emotional fluff piece I wrote based off a tumblr prompt asking someone to blend Kate Mckinnon's cold SNL opening rendition of "Hallelujah" into the GB world. Truth be told, this was purely cathartic for me, and it needed to be said.





	

Erin knew where to find her. There were only five places in New York where Holtzmann felt the most comfortable during moments of crisis or when the noise in her head became too loud, and there was only one place where the doors were never locked— regardless of the time of night—aside from her home at the firehouse.

Turning up her collar against a gust of cold December wind, the physicist tucked into herself and continued her hurried pace down the sidewalk. Thankfully, the Recreation Center wasn’t more than a block away from the bar they had been drinking at, a brick and steel building nestled among fellow brick and steel builds. When she finally made it up the steps and through the doors—bracing against a particularly cutting burst of wind—Erin’s relief is palpable. Warmth closes around her. She stamps down a shiver, rubbing her hands together to generate heat and circulation back into her digits. The cold never agreed with her.  

Dark though the building was, lingering security lights illuminated her path into the corridors. It was strange seeing this place devoid of life and activity. Usually, when Holtzmann was here the halls were swarmed with children of all ages, most of which were eager to spend time with the resident celebrity.

Erin didn’t have to search long for her partner. Standing at the Center’s information booth her listening ears pick up the faint echo of music. A wary smile tuged at her lips. Few knew Holtzmann was musically inclined. Even fewer knew she was quite good at playing multiple instruments. A quick glance down the hall confirmed Erin’s suspicion. A single door stood open, light from the room beyond pouring into the semi-dark hall.

“Figured you’d be here,” she said to herself, shouldering her purse and striking out for the room. The closer she nears, however, the clearer the notes become, but something else catches her ear, slowing her purposeful strides.

Singing.

A solitary voice joined the piano chords, one she knew from the private moments Erin shared with Holtzmann when the engineer actually sang. The physicist loved her girlfriend’s voice, despite the blonde being rather shy about vocalizing it. Tonight, however, there was no playful jump or saucy harmonics to Holtz’s song. Erin recognized it immediately and felt her chest tighten. Sadness flavored the tone. Sadness and hopelessness and longing.  

 _You say I took the name in vain_  
_I don't even know the name_  
_But if I did, well really, what's it to you?_  
_There's a blaze of light_  
_In every word_  
_It doesn't matter which you heard_  
_The holy or the broken Hallelujah_

Erin knew the song. Who didn’t? After everything that had happened, Leonard Cohen’s _Hallelujah_ had been on a lot of people’s minds. Tentatively, Erin came to a stop in the doorway—blinking against the bright light. She spotted a floof of blonde hair and the hunched figure of her girlfriend seated at an old Grand Piano off to the left, but couldn't bring herself to enter. Not yet. From where she was seated, Holtzmann couldn’t see Erin, but the same couldn’t be said in reverse.

The physicist watched her partner slowly move through the notes, deft fingers working across keys that seemed to cry along with her. Erin’s throat constricted a little when a silvery tear slid down Holtz’s red cheek, unnoticed and unremoved by the engineer.

 _I did my best, it wasn't much_  
_I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch_  
_I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you_  
_And even though_  
_It all went wrong_  
_I'll stand before the Lord of Song_  
_With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah_

“Jil?”

The engineer’s hands froze mid-play, her whole body tensing out of shock before relaxing a half-second later when she realized who shared the room with her.

“Hey, Er,” she said after a beat of silence, sitting back and removing her fingers from the keys like she’d been caught doing something wrong.

“Mind if I come in?” She didn’t have to ask, but Erin knew by now when Holtzmann sought space it was best to give it to her. Sometimes that meant letting her work alone in the lab. Sometimes it meant letting her run out of a bar in the dead of night.        

Holtz didn't look up. She didn't answer for a few silent moments until a slight nod grants Erin entrance. The physicist didn't say anything as she moved quietly into the room, waiting on cues from her partner. When Holtz didn't begin playing again, instead folding her hands in her lap, Erin risked taking a seat on the edge of the piano bench.

“How goes it?” she asked with a thin but reassuring smile, tapping the side of her head for further elaboration.

Holtzmann stared down at her hands, absently picking at her thumb cuticle. She had to physically fight the urge to touch her screw-u necklace. She knew how she left things in the bar wasn’t her at her best. Normally her temper was better controlled, but with all that had happened recently in the country, everyone was a little raw, herself included. It hadn’t been fair or even smart leaving Erin behind, and Holtz berated herself for her negligence and oversight, but the noise in her head…it wouldn’t leave her in peace, and the men in the bar had gotten under her skin. She’d lost it.

“I’m sorry,” she eventually muttered, thinking she at least owed Erin an apology.

“For what?”

“For how I acted. For getting angry. For leaving you alone…for how this whole fucked up world just got even more fucked up. I promised you—” She couldn't finish the sentence, the words sticking in her throat. _I promised you the world, but the world has soured and I’m afraid we’re walking around with a target on our backs._

Erin bit her lip, looking over the piano at the room around them. It was hard seeing Holtz like this. Sadness and despair were such a foreign expressions on the engineer’s usually jovial face, but it was more than that. Jillian looked like she was holding the weight of the world on her shoulders and failing miserably to support it all, her small body bending under the pressure.

“It’s okay, though. I understand why—”

“It’s not okay.” Holtz snapped with such vehemence it made Erin physically blanch. “None of this is okay, and I hate how people are playing it off. Not you, or Abby or Patty, but the whole goddamn country. It’s like we’re the butt of some sick joke. They dangle so much in front of us and then rip it away just to watch us jump for it. I’m so tired of these fights. I’m tired of not feeling safe in my own skin. I’m tired of hate always being louder than love and I—I…”

“Jil…”

"I’m scared, Erin,” the blonde hissed through clenched teeth, still not looking at the other woman, knowing when she did she’d find the same pain mirrored in her eyes. But bearing this weight alone was agony. Before she could stop herself, a sob hitched in Holtz’s throat, bending her forward until her forehead very nearly touched the piano keys.

Instinctively, Erin drew the smaller woman into her, wrapping long arms around her shoulders, squeezing tight when Holtz began to shake. Jillian clung to her with all the desperation of a drowning victim, heedless of the tears that stained hers and Erin’s clothing. There had been a maelstrom building in her for weeks. It needed to be released before it ate her alive. 

“I’m so scared,” she grated out again, voice strained and gravely against her tears and slightly muffled by the fabric of Erin’s coat. “Everything we could have had is gone. What does this mean for us? What does this mean for our country? I can’t…I can’t lose what I have because of _him_. I can’t lose you or Patty or Abby. I can’t lose my family! But I feel like we all have targets on our backs. You and I can’t even walk down the sidewalk for fear of someone harassing us or, worst case scenario, shooting us. And what about Patty? What's she going to face because she was born with skin that makes her a target, too. I can’t bury any of you. I can’t. I don’t think I’d ever…I wouldn’t bounce back.”

Erin blinked hard to keep her own tears from falling. If she cracked, she knew she wouldn’t be able to pull herself back together fast enough to be of any use. She had to be the strong one right now. Holtz needed a pillar to lean against, not a pillow to cry into, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t feel similarly. To live under the threat of someone taking everything from you, legally, chilled her to the bone. That someone could reach into their lives and cause so many levels of pain....it was unbearable. But she couldn’t shy away. Not now. Not when her partner needed her.  

“Listen to me…Jillian, listen.” Rare were the moments Erin used Holtz’s first name, and it had the desired effect. After a moment, Holtzmann shifted enough she could peer up at the brunette, blue eyes almost phosphorescent in the overhead lights. She looked so young when she cried. It tore the older woman apart, but she weathered the pain and pushed onward.

“I’m not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever. Neither are Abby or Patty. I know it seems impossible. I know. I watch the same news channels you do, and I see what’s happening. But this is not the end of our story. Any of ours. Look at me.” Erin took Holtz’s face between her palms so the smaller woman can see her sincerity, thumbing away her tears. “Time doesn’t move backward. No matter how much these hate-mongers want things to return to the ‘glory days’ it won’t. Does that mean things will get rough for a while? Probably. You and I are scientists. We know the variables, but we also know the math, and that math tells us we still have allies and a damn good fighting chance to let our voices be heard. We have eyes to see with, voices to cry out with, and hands to protect with. I know that sounds like empty promises and wishful thinking, but it’s the truth.

“But right now, I need you to know I’m right here.” Erin gently put her forehead against Holtzmann’s—diminishing the distance between them—taking the smaller woman’s hands and placing them on either side of her neck. “Your friends are right here. It’s dark, I know, and it hurts. God, it hurts, and probably more for you than me because I’ve not been out nearly as long, but we’re going to make it through this. Together. All of us.” Then more quietly she adds, “You are the best thing to happen in my life since Abby and I became friends. You think I won’t fight tooth and nail to keep this, to keep what we have? I dove into an interdimensional portal for my best friend. I think I can handle anything this country throws my way. So to quote that pretty blonde from SNL ‘I’m not giving up and neither should you’.”

Holtz sniffed, the faintest curl of a smile touching her lips. “I still don’t see why you all think I look like her.”

Erin rolled her eyes, making a face. “She could be your twin.”

“Still don’t see it.”

“You need your eyes checked,” Erin snorted only to sober. “I mean it, Jil. I’m not giving up on any of this.”

Holtzmann nodded, lifting her hands from the sides of Erin’s neck to her jawline, gently bringing their lips together. She needed to feel the contact, needed to feel grounded as her world spun out of control. She knew in the depth of her soul what came next would be harrowing at best. Hell, shit was already starting to happen, but for a brief, bright moment Holtzmann had an anchor and a North start to guide her path. Three, if she was being honest, because she was part of a team no matter what happened. And she had Erin by her side, which steadied her more than the physicist realized. 

Erin reciprocated the embrace with tender care, drinking her partner in, until drawing back and whispering, “I love you, and I’ve got you,” against Holtz’s lips.

“I feel you,” the engineer replied, wrapping her arms around her partner and holding tight, the noise in her head finally quieting into one solitary word.

 _Hallelujah_.


End file.
